A client asks: “I wanted to ask you how often should I get my ex-husband’s house cleared, since my kids do go to their father’s house for sleepover? Please let me know.” What can we tell her?

The frequency here is uncertain because there are many variables that are unpredictable—his mood state, his level of anger, in particular, and resentment as well as the feelings of those in his family who have been enlisted to cause trouble for you and the children. But keep in mind that he is not wanting visitation to cause harm to them, he is wanting to maintain a link from feelings of obligation and that is not a wholly bad thing. It is unlikely there will be direct attacks on the children under his care. His animosity is truly directed at you and not the children. It is true that his home will not be of the highest energy because his personal vibration is low and this means he will be a mixed blessing as a parent in some respects. That is not so different from many, many other families where there is discord and people are troubled in one way or another and children must simply accept their lot and do the best they can to get along and find ways to rise above it. This is asking a lot of a young person but is not the worst preparation for life as long as there is love in the mix and a basic caretaking and nurturing function being seen to in the way the individual can—that will be the case here despite your misgivings. He is not a monster, he simply has very rigid and narrow views of things based on his sense of propriety and the need to be the dominant male, the patriarch, and in control of his family members, and this is deeply rooted coming from cultural tradition and values as well as his religion. There are karmic influences as well behind the strife between the two of you. That is the major fuel for all that has happened in the growing discord and need for separation. This too is above and beyond what your children bring to the picture. They are simply in the line of fire, so to speak, but fortunately are not a target directly of the anger and anguish over the current state of affairs where he must adapt to losing control of things with the separation. You are more likely to be a frequent target personally than your children or the home they reside in with him, so you need not be over-concerned. It is natural to fear for them when they are not with you, but with him, as he has been so hostile and taken action to attempt to harm you energetically through his relatives but, in a sense, they are safer with him than with you. To the extent he views them as a prize, he will not be a danger to them. And as your place in things and their loyalty to you is not in question, there is no significant risk in having visitation other than their exposure to this difficult person and his views of things. But you can trust them to sort things out because their feelings will be a reliable guide in understanding to what extent they can believe in him totally and his perspectives, or take it with a grain of salt seeing for themselves his anger can become out of control and not an accurate and reliable assessment of you or the current situation. Children are wiser than given credit and that is true of your children as well. You have done well with them and that is what will count here. They will be able to hold their own with some loving reassurance from you that this is not a statement of your endorsement of him, but a legal requirement honoring his rights as a parent regardless of other considerations, and to encourage them to use this as an opportunity to widen their experiences and seeing other people and understanding the influence of an additional parent as something of value. You can stay in a middle ground where you are not ignoring any negative feelings they may share with you if something does go wrong in their presence that harms them, but make no attempt to undermine him through your own negative feelings leaving them caught in the middle of a contest that is unwinnable and in which they will only be losers in their mind. You will do right by them. The important thing is to love them unreservedly without judgment and be their champion, and when they know you are behind them 100%, they will have trust in you, and your confidence and love for them will carry them through any tough times that come along.